Alright, I’m posting

This is for Mouse, since I’m pretty sure you’re the only person that actually reads this….

I found out today how completely fucked I am. I have an audition for marching band one week from tomorrow. They’ll probably hear me, and then laugh me out of the school of music.

On to other things…. I am throughly depressed. No, I don’t mean I’m sad. I’m bottom of the barrel for no reason depressed. I wake up every morning and have to force myself out of bed. I had to take Klonopin (an anti-anxiety medication) today at work. And the best part? I can’t get in to see my psych. for two whole weeks. I don’t know what I’m going to do until then. I guess I’ll just scrape along, playing the part of the cheerful girl at work, and retreating to my books at night.

Enough for today. I’m off to play my clarinet for a bit and try to scrape something together before next saturday.

Graduation

When did I get so old?  And I don’t mean physically.  These last two years since high school has really added years to me mentally, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not.  Looking back, I never realized how much happier I was in high school.

My little brother graduated today.  And I know this sounds sappy, but I have never been as proud of him as I was today when I watched him walk up on stage and get his diploma.  In fact, I think there may have been *cough* tears in my eyes.

Today I wished that I could just stop and rewind.  In high school, I actually had real friends, not just the people that lay waiting at the turn of a page.  I had a future to look forward too, as well as hope.  I think that’s what I miss the most.  The hope.  Maybe I’m just depressed right now, but I’m looking forward and seeing nothing.  I see a tomorrow, and maybe a day after that, but I can’t see past just getting through to the next step.  I used to have plans.  I used to want to be somebody.  Where did that Liz go?   I used to want to be famous, and do great deeds, like that characters in my books.  Now I just want to survive.  I just want to get through life, and to be honest, sometimes, that just seems like too much.

Anyway, those are my thoughts of the day.  And I know exactly who will read this, so don’t worry Mouse.  (Though  I know you probably will anyway)  I’ll be fine in a few days, I think.